Must Love Cats

Four years ago, I attended the wedding of a childhood friend. I would have to say she was my best friend growing up. She even stood up in our wedding as the maid of honor. By 2001 we had lost touch. However, I still can't beleive I wasn't asked to pin flowers or pour punch. She was my maid of honor for shit sake.

During the time that we were out of touch, Pam became Pamela and found God. When I say found God, I mean it. She was now a Born Again, Spirit Filled, Christian Woman who spoke to Him in some foreign tongue and actually prayed for a parking spot close to the shopping mall. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, just a different one than she does.

So there we sat, a group of friends from her unholy past. None of us knew what to expect at the ceremony. Would there be audience participation? I didn't want any part of something like that. So I prayed, asking my God to spare me the embarrassment.

The ceremony turned out to be just fine. She looked beautiful and I must say, very happy. I felt proud to have been asked to be a part of their day.

The reception was an entirely different story. We were all used to the traditional reception that included dinner, a few cocktails and a lot of dancing. There would be no cocktails, and unfortunatly no dancing either.

Right after dinner the maid of honor got up to give the toast. The following is a condensed version of what she said:

"When Pamela first surrendered her life to the Lord, we worked together on a list of three things that she wanted for her life in the next six months. These were the things that we would pray about for her. She said she wanted: a new job, a new home and she hoped to meet the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with. After she made that list, we took it one step further for her. I asked her to make a list of qualities she desired for her husband. Pamela made that list. It was five pages front and back. Within three monts, she met Chris. Within five months she had a new job and a new home. The best part is that Chris fits all of those expectations from Pamela's list except for one. Pamela wanted a husband that loved cats as much as she did." ARE YOU READY FOR WHAT THIS WOMAN SAID NEXT? I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. SHE REALLY SAID THIS. WORD FOR WORD "Maybe we could get someone up her to put a "Cat Loving Anointing on Chris."

Are you fucking serious right now? What the hell does that even mean? I have never heard of such a thing.

She went on to tell everyont that Chris had made a list too. Pamela fit all of his expectations. She was a blond who could cook.

It was at that very moment that I realized we really were from two very different worlds now. This was not the same Pam that used to dance in her bathrobe to Carpenters Records. This was not the same Pam that used to have her Halloween candy until Easter and her Easter Candy until Halloween. This was not the girl I grew up with. It was some new version of and old friend, a version that I had nothing in common with. I wonder if I should ask for a "Pamela Loving Anointing."